Published in Taos, New Mexico by Dead Cat Press All rights reserved.© Penultimate Issue # 1 - $1.00 or OBO
Why English is Difficult to Learn
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than
necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put
forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I
hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand
times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can
use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than
34. Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional
scenarios complicate simplistic matters.
35. Always chek your spelling. Their will allways be misteaks.
36. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.